it suddenly occurs to me that some ppl might not understand or see the full implications of the fact...
November 3, 2015
it suddenly occurs to me that some ppl might not understand or see the full implications of the fact that i”ve walked away from the twoc community. from all and any community.
especially since i continually point out that my intended audience is twoc. which is true.
but it doesn”t mean that i consider myself a part of the community in a lot of the ways that matter.
i care a lot about twoc. i want us all to be free and safe. i want to do something to try and get us there.
here is what i do: i write and i publish.
i think the writing is self-explanatory. the publishing thing is biyuti publishing.
i decided (about the time that i walked away from community) that this is all i will do. all i can give. i have nothing else to offer. i hope this is enough, but i honestly don”t care anymore bc this is a boundary i”ve set for myself. i could explain my reasons why. some are ideological. some are selfish (read: about my survival). but i don”t owe any explanations for why i have the boundaries that i have. its enough that ppl know that this exists.
and, honestly, as important as i think the publishing is, it has taken second priority to my own writing bc i”m doing that to survive now. i”ve given what, two or three years of uncompensated labour to the press. i also have poured in a great deal of money that i really don”t have to spare into it. i make no money from doing it. 100% of the revenue biyuti publishing receives goes into server costs and paying others for services (editing, etc).
i dont” want to give this up. but i will if i need to.
bc i”ve learned that there is no community out there waiting to support me if my life falls apart. i have me and me alone to rely on.
its a nasty, ugly truth. i hate it. but that doesn”t change anything.
i write about things like ideological purity bc i”m not pure. i have made many compromises in order to survive. some i”m ashamed about. some i”m not. all of them i”m unhappy about. i will also make many decisions in the future that will fundamentally contradict the values i talk about and sincerely believe in. some of these i”ll share. others i won”t. but they will happen. i know they will. i simply do not have the privilege required to keep my hands clean. and why bother when they are already dirty?
i”m not going to sacrifice myself and be a martyr for teh community.
i”m not going to burn myself out giving and giving and giving.
what i”m going to do is survive. and write. (and hopefully publish).