i dream of being possible

what better looks like for me

i started CBT over a month ago but i’ve only had two sessions so far. it is partly due to my therapist going on vacation and there being a large gap between sessions and partly because i’m completely stuck at this stage.

i’m supposed to be making activity schedules and setting goals so that we can mark my progress. the activity schedule is fine, whatever, but i’m having a lot of trouble with the setting goals part.

i mean, part of this is, is that i simply don’t know what ‘better’ looks like for me. Like. Idk. anxiety has been such a constant thing in my life that i can’t really imagine what my life could be like without it (i guess with going on meds i’m having a slightly better idea of what my life can be like with a lot less anxiety – and it is pretty great).

but. i mean. my problem with setting goals is just. what is better? idk. idk.

especially since i’m also trying to understand the impact that having nld has on my life and trying to move past the ableist expectation that better = behaving neuro-typical. like, part of the problem is that, by and large, i actually like my life right now. like, i just want to stop feeling anxious, but i’m pretty okay with how things are going right now (despite being poor and having a hard time finding a full time position that would get me out of poverty – but while i’m poor i have a home and enough food to eat, so, it isn’t dire or as bad as it could be).

like, do i want to socialize more? not really.

see. i don’t even really know where to begin with all of this. it doesn’t help that i’ve kinda been too busy to really think about it all.

i’m pretty happy that i made the decision to take CBT slowly (although i’m wondering if my therapist might just fire me or something if i don’t make another appointment soon)