i dream of being possible

the other thing that this whole 'shave ur head' thing is really messing with is my...

the other thing that this whole ‘shave ur head” thing is really messing with is my gender stuff.

like. as it stands now, my level of blending is just enough to use the women”s restroom without notice. but most everyone i interact with misgenders me. shaving my head will probably bring that to 100% being clocked all the time. then again, i can probably just start using the men”s room again.

the thing is, is that, after all, i am a third gender ladyboy.

‘living as a woman” is about as desirable to me as ‘living as a man”. i don”t really want to do either.

i think i just got stuck in the whole ‘u need to go stealth” pressure that goes along with being a trans girl.

will i feel less ‘authentic” if i cut my hair? no. not really. how i feel about my gender/body isn”t really contingent on my hair (i don”t have the same emotional investment in it as a dear friend does).

and that”s the thing too. i mean. having long hair is not necessarily more femme than having short/no hair. it isn”t. and yet… that”s sort of the way my rational brain is reacting to this impulse.

(yes, i realize this sounds like me rationalizing. but that”s okay. i really do actually want to also give myself a little kick in the ass about how i”ve been feeling about my gender and presentation. bc it has really been getting me down that i simply cannot afford to look the way i”d like. that a large part of me feels like that shaving my head will do all of nothing to change how much of an ugly tranny i am. which is kind of what i was saying above but trying to be more positive.)

in any case. i do realize (now) that this impulse is all about the despair and hopelessness i feel about the future. not only in terms of my presentation/gender feels but also bc i know that trying to conform to a cisnormative standard of femininity will make zero difference to how employable i am.

to the extent that i have any future in my (or any) field, the length of my hair is really going to be not a big fucking deal. not when my irl reputation is that i”m a diresputable bully.

honestly? this is about me giving up. but wanting to give up and have low maintenance hair. bc long hair is a lot of fucking work.