i dream of being possible

something I learned a while back

Is to actually believe people when they tell you things about themselves. Like negative things. Or positive.

But I’m really talking about negative things.

One of the relationships that did the most damage to me was this fairly long friendship I had with this cis hetero white guy. He taught me everything I needed to know about ironic hipster oppression.

Basically he would often jokingly (it seemed) or at least ironically detail how he was a misogynist. Or racist. Etc. And. Of course, this is when I had some awareness about things but still had a more ‘live and let live’ approach to things. I also didn’t really have very many other friends… and didn’t want to loose one of the few that I did actually have.

I should have just listened. The moment I heard “yeah, i’m racist and I don’t care” followed by a laugh. I should have turned around, walked away, and never spoken to this man again.

Instead I ended up living with him for 4 years and this time we spent together did soooo much fucking damage and is when I really started to internalize a great deal of transmisogyny. It was during this time I essentially convinced myself that it was a good thing to try and force myself to live up to white/western gender norms.

I guess, in a way, he was my personal colonizer. And he and his abuse entirely fucked up my brain and my thinking.