i dream of being possible

so what is happening?

some might be wondering why i”m shaking things up with my tumblr and whatever right now.

i”m doing it partially because certain parts of my life are beginning to converge in certain ways. and this isn”t a bad thing, exactly, but it is taking a bit of a toll to try and maintain two distinct online IDs. i do like the freedom to write whatever i want without having to worry about how it may (or may not) impact my professional life. so i”m definitely going to maintain ‘biyuti” / ‘b. binaohan” as my pen name for my writing, but i”m hoping to shake off some of my anonymity, so far as it concerns my friends. esp. since i want them to, um, you know actually use my real name. for a long while, it didn”t really matter ‘cause i hadn”t picked one.

i”m also about to find myself much, much busier with certain things. and these are things that i care about and want to actually be spending my time doing.

another part of it is that… idk. i”m feeling pretty disengaged and uninspired about certain things. maybe a little bored. over the past few months, i can”t count how many times i”ve started writing a post only to realize that i”ve already said something similar. i don”t want to just write the same post over and over again. i guess i feel like i”ve been drifting a little. and this is why i started to drift into ‘let”s be an activist!” even though this isn”t something i actually want to do. i don”t want to organize stuff. i don”t want to lead anything. i”m a philosopher.

to a certain extent, i”ve let the ‘slactivitist” critiques get to me a little. seeing stuff posted about ‘shutin” trans activists and feeling like, idk, i need to get out there and do things! i”m too used to devaluing myself and what i actually do contribute. one of thereasons why i do want to keep writing under a pen name and do irl stuff as me, is ‘cause i don”t want to start acting like ‘biyuti” is a brand or whatever the fuck. this isn”t about making money for me (yes, i do have the publishing company, but, if you think i”m actually making money that way… lol.). this isn”t about me becoming tumblr famous or whatever and building a cult of personality.

after my last hiatus, after realizing that i”ve isolated myself enough to forget myself and forget my place… i need to reconsider what/how i”m doing things. i need to start pushing myself again b/c i”ve become complacent in ways i”m not proud of. i want to find out ways to keep growing. to push forward.</p>