i dream of being possible

reflections on my behaviour

so. as my tumblr hiatus continues. I’m finally getting/having some time to consider how I’ve been behaving in the past few months. Possibly longer (up to half a year? idk. it is hard for me to judge time like this. but it has been going on for a little while).

while tumblr has never really been the safest environment, i also recognize that it has been especially unsafe for me for quite some time now.

the problem with this, beyond the emotional damage and strain it causes for me, is that i’ve noticed my behaviour regressing to past patterns. patterns that where damaging and harmful to me and the people around me.

my own history with abuse has trained me to avoid conflict at all costs, even if that cost is either participating with the abuse of other people or silently allowing it to happen (thereby co-signing the abuse).

as far as I’m concerned. there is no difference between allowing others to abuse and being abusive.

of course, this isn’t to say that i’m not now recognizing that some of my behaviour recently has veered directly into the emotionally abusive/manipulative territory.

i’m not proud of this.

more importantly: i’m really sorry.

as far as i know, only one person has directly called me out for this type of behaviour. and maybe two anon people, that I know about. there are, undoubtedly, others who will see the truth of my words. who’ve been unwilling, because of how i’ve proved myself as an unsafe (abusive) person, to discuss this directly with me. that is fine. i understand.

unfortunately, the thing with emotional manipulation being a part of my defense/coping mechanism, is that I don’t necessarily perceive, myself, to whom i’ve been doing it to. all i can do right now is recognize a general pattern of behaviour and the low level of fear in my gut.

anon is on. if you feel that i’ve been either emotionally abusive or manipulative to you, put in an ask. this invitation is also for those people who might feel that while I was not abusive myself, but co-signed abuse they experienced.

in the meantime, i’m continuing to reflect on my behaviour and going to think up ways to make myself accountable. suggestions on this account would also be appreciated.