i dream of being possible

My year in review (at long last)

I usually do this around my bday, almost six weeks past, but I was busy working on getting my first book published, so I didn’t have the time or energy to really think about the past year.

today is a different, but still awesome day, my two year anniversary with my super awesome and lovely bf.

it is a little unbelievable to me that it has been two years. seriously. And a lot has changed even in just the past year. This time last year I was living in a different city and working full time. I was also, for the most part, still presenting as a (mostly) cis person – but not entirely.

in terms of personal change…

I’ve done a great deal of growing this past year. Finally am getting help with my anxiety, which has been pretty great. Also I’ve finally got to the place where I can start leaving the house presenting as i’d like. at this point I’m largely constrained by a serious lack of money, in terms of being able to buy professional clothes so I can start presenting at work, instead of just on my days off (which, I only work two days a week, so I spend more time as me than otherwise). i’m getting laser hair removal on my face. which is fucking painful and i hate it. i’m waiting on a tattoo design to finally and visibly mark my ascent into femininity and womanhood. I’m pretty excited, especially, about the tattoo ‘cause it’ll be the more culturally relevant effort of mine to embody myself/gender fully.

I guess I’ve also come a long way in terms of how i understand and conceptualize my gender. And done a not too bad job of decolonizing all of that too. I am finally able to understand that I have place amongst #girlslikeus, something I didn’t quite think I did a year ago. i suppose I’ve also taken on new words to describe myself (transpinay, ladyboy, genderescent). Some of those words i’m reclaiming and some i’ve used to name myself.

i also think i’ve done a pretty good job of staying open and loving towards both myself, my lover, my friends, and my community. this is kinda super important to me since i tend to withdraw and pull away when i feel overwhelmed (which is a lot of the time). but, I’ve been learning better self-care so that I can feel strong enough to be vulnerable and open.

I also think I’ve gotten closer to my ancestors. I’m starting to feel better connected to the spiritual aspects of being bakla. In my bones, I can feel my ancestors calling to me. I also begin to see and understand the influence they have in my life. I’m still trying to figure out, just how I want to begin honouring them. Right now all I have are feelings and intuitions.

But. Yes.

I truly feel like the love, attention, care, and healing I’ve done over the past ten years is finally blossoming into the wonderful, powerful, and fantastic person I am today.

My sincere thanks to my ancestors, for guiding me and protecting me and showing me the way to this time and place.