i dream of being possible

everything is so much

A former patron (in the sense that they supported my defunct patreon) asked me what’s been going on bc they no longer get updates. I do want to reply to the email but I figure that writing a blog post can serve as a way to update many people.

tl;dr Stick a fork in me because I’m done.

its funny. for a person who’d been writing an average of 2k-5k words a week for the past five years, i have no more words left. see above.

i feel like i have nothing left.

perhaps that hits the nail: i have nothing left. i am empty.

even as i write this (more determined to finish than i’ve been in a long while) my brain is empty. all i can think about it going to lie down and listening to some audiobook i’ve probably heard about 15 times.

i haven’t logged into tumblr in a fairly long while. which is where i had been doing a great deal of my socializing. i barely talk to anyone these days. and even that often feels like too much.

everything feels like too much.

and so my life is frozen.

there are one or two Really Important things i need to attend to. they are my high priority things. but bc i can’t find the energy/motivation/will/spoons to work on them, i do nothing.

most days, i barely have the energy to do the things i must do to keep my life functioning. most of my spoons go to my paying job.

is this still depression? something more?

gah. i’ve not even touched upon the daily headaches and nausea i’ve been dealing with (which pretty much kills my ability to do things even when i’m somewhat motivated). been taking meds that make me drowsy to manage the nausea.

i haven’t been doing much (if any) philosophical work because my brain is empty. i am empty.

i start writing posts and they are so incoherent (and i run out of steam halfway through) and i just tag them as drafts.

in a very real way, i’m not even sure i would have something to say even if i had the ability to say them.

five years spent spinning in circles and all i have to show: dizziness and a near constant desire to puke.

(gah. i can’t think of anything else to say. i can’t think. but this post’ll be published so that ppl know what’s going on.)