i dream of being possible

dear doctors who want me to change my 'lifestyle' (read eating habits)

i’d love to. i know i have high cholesterol, high triglycerides, and a fatty liver. you recommend: no high fat foods (deep fried, snack food, etc), multigrains, whole grains, and lots of fibre. awesome. sound dietary advice for anyone, really.

what i never understand about this is that, as my doctor, you’re also well aware of my other medical conditions/disabilities. this means you know, better than most that i’m depressed. that i’m autistic. that i have ibs. i’ll admit that i’ve never discussed my disordered eating with you, so that’s on me. its something i feel a lot of shame around.

which also means that when you give me this advice for trying to deal with my high cholesterol, high triglycerides, and fatty liver and i inevitably fail to do it, it only adds to my food shame and so the spiral continues.

why are these things relevant?

depression often means i just dont have it in me to make food. or i eat my feelings. which almost always means junk food. like sorry. but i stuff my piehole with pie when i feel like killing myself.

being autistic sometimes means that i have Food Phases. wherein there is one thing that i want to eat and that is pretty much almost the only thing i want to eat. right now? that’s canned vegetables and rice. not fresh veggies. not frozen veggies. canned veggies and rice. not so bd in terms of what i ought to be eating. less beneficial was when i only wanted to eat chicken wings.

you know what happens when i’m supposed to ‘diet’ but also am in a food phase? i try to eat what i’m supposed to eat… in addition to whatever food i’m obsessed with. which means that i end up eating way too much fucking food. i’m talking eating to the point of pain, waiting until the pain subsides, and then eating again. you see the point i’m trying to make?

next time i see my doctor (in a few weeks) i’m going to try and express this all to him. i have a hard time talking to him. maybe i’ll see if my fiance is able to go and advocate for me.