i dream of being possible

been a while...

since i really posted about anything going on with me. mostly been the sms posts i send in…

for the most part, i’ve been good. busy. with getting some job applications together. I just submitted an article to (hopefully) be published. still in the middle of the biyuti publishing site re-design, which is mostly finished but I just need to make sure that the commerce stuff is working just right (it isn’t quite yet). and i kinda… wasn’t using a version control software and i updated a plugin and something broke and i’ve been trying to retrace my steps to fix it while also learning how to use git so that this doesn’t happen again.

also still busy with the archiving project. i think I need to find some more sites to crawl… I also realized that since i’m not actually serving the files over the internet, i can use my external drive for storage and, thus, increase my current capacity. I’m also thinking that, while I wait for resources to properly create an archive, that i could find some alternative to allow contributors access to their respective archives, with documentation for how they can view the files.

on a personal front, i’m about 90% sure that i’ve lost the captioning job… in part because i was terrible at it. but i was also terrible at it for reasons related to disability (the probable narcolepsy and some auditory processing stuff that relates to the nld). since neither is ‘officially’ diagnosed rn, it isn’t like i can really do much about this. i’m also not sure i want to. because i truly was bad at the job. and the amount of effort and labour was disproportionate to how much money I was making (because i was soooo slow). it just feels weird to actually be in a place where disability has cost me employment. like, it has happened in the past (hindsight and all that) but, this time i know. and usually in the past, it is the interviewing stage that kills my job prospects. ugh. and doing the job because of the auditory processing stuff just…messed with my head. like. the inability to focus my eyes after doing a few hours of this and not being able (as a result) to read or really do anything else. just… stuff.

and i know that, in part, i’m only noticing this stuff now because this is the first time in my life where things are comfortable and stable enough that I don’t have to push myself to do things that i don’t want to or are very difficult for me to do.

i can look back and realise, just how much of my time was spent resting and recharging just so I could get things done and be neuro-typical levels of productive and achievement. how. for a long time now, my response to the increasing difficulty with being able to pass as neuro-typical was compensated by spending more and more time on those things and doing pretty much nothing else, since i didn’t have the energy to.


yeah. this is where i’m at right now.