i dream of being possible

a small comment on desirability

i was talking with a friend on skype yesterday and i mentioned the sort of interesting thing about being femme + asian in the gay community (where i had the misfortune of dating for far too long)

while i was mentioning that the only thing that would have made me less desirable was filling the trifecta of gay undersireability, which was also being fat (on top of femme + asian). Now, depending on your geographical area, you can sub asian for another race (in the city where i’ve done most of my dating asian was the race most often singled out for bieng undesirable. anyway, while discussing this i mentioned that i’ve had to do all of the chasing for all my dating.

that the only people who did chase me were creepy 40+ white men who fetishized about having a young, slim, femme, smooth, asian (i cannot begin to tell you how many messages i got like this while donig the online thing)

my bf (recall that he is white) was a little offended ‘cause he was like

“i find you desirable”

and i was like “um, but that doesn’t change the fact that i had to chase you”

and his response “I don’t chase anyone”

me: “what does that matter? i still had to chase you. we wouldn’t have ever started this relationship if I hadn’t taken innitiative and contacted you first”

I mentoined that i’ve largely made my peace with the reality of the dating world i was in (and, now that i’m doing the whole ladyboy thing, i definitely know that there is little point in bothering if me and my bf were to breakup.)

he was still somewhat defensive

but the fact remains

i’ve never had the luxury of being complacent about dating

i dated too many fetishizing, racist, abusive men because of loneliness, desparation, and the idea that this was all i could get.

i also developed an ed at one point (and have struggled with food issues ever since) because of how afraid i was of getting fat. because. well. i knew. it was bad. it definitely could have got worse.