i dream of being possible

a little bit strange...

I’m going out today to have coffee with an old friend. Someone who I haven’t seen in probably eight years or so. The last time I saw her… I was just visiting my birth city (calgary) after having moved to vancouver the year before that.

Normally, I’d imagine that seeing an old friend after this much time would be a little anxiety inducing for #girlslikeus. I mean… it is usually the case that certain changes would likely require ‘coming out’ or whatever.

Except… yes, I’ve changed. But.

She actually missed the entire part of my life where I became super self-hating and cis white gay shit had been internalized. The part of my life where I tried hardest to conform to white cis queer understanding of gender. The part of my life where I lived with an abusive hetero white cis man (roommates) who’s transmisogyny and racism did a great deal of damage to me.

Indeed. She might actually clock that I look less femme than I did when she knew me in calgary.

It is a strange thing, seeing her after all this time. And just after I turned 30 (she was a close friend at age 20-ish). And at the moment in my life where I’m trying to get back to that place of confidence and biyuti, where I had no problems presenting as a ladyboy.

(of course, back then was also the start of my social dysphoria and when i began questioning my gender, because i didn’t understand what it meant to be a #girllikeus in a white supremacist and transmisogynist world. and nothing had prepared me for the ‘walking while trans’ phenomena, the objectification and dehumanization, the fetishizing. i try not to beat myself up too much for internalizing a bunch of stuff, since, let us be honest here: being and presenting as a ladyboy is dangerous and I had no one to help me or rely on back then. and, more than anything, survival matters and prioritizing my safety isn’t/wasn’t a bad thing. I only wish that I could have done so without internalizing a bunch of oppressive garbage that ruined my self-esteem.)