i dream of being possible

so i guess im done with my tumblr break which

So, I guess I’m done with my tumblr break… which was kind of a fail anyway. I’m still gonna try and be stricter about how much time I spend on here ‘cause I’m in a condensed summer class right now and really, really need to focus on my stuff so I pass this class (it is the last of this degree).

But, speaking of school.

Between the stuff that went down with this past week with CB, cosmo-fascist, and Bad-Domincana’s recent posts about academic speak, I’ve been having a lot of feelings about this whole thing.

Because, I think it really speaks to the differences in approach between me and some of the people involved in that big Asian/Black people intercommunity dynamics. I’m not an academic. I was, once. But I stopped because being an academic wasn’t worth moving to a country where I’d have fewer freedoms than I do here. Yes, I’m in school right now. A professional program, though, ‘cause I have zero skills that could net me a job beyond serving coffee.

But even when I was an academic I didn’t study sociology. I didn’t study anything related to anti-oppression or whatever. Wasn’t in woman studies. Didn’t take critical race or whatever. I mostly participated in the vast orientalist project known as ‘Asian Studies’ in a capacity that furthered those goals, instead of challenged them.

Realizing (now) how and why my previous studies only further served an colonial and imperial program that has been underway for hundreds of years….

Is why I try not to approach my life with the so-called ‘critical’ lens of academia. No thanks.

More valuable to me right now is listening to baddominicana’s musings about her life. More valuable, even, to have a discussion between a bunch of 1st gen kids about how our difficulties (or ease) in applying to school. More valuable to listen to Riley gush about yyh. More valuable to see how nuestrahermana is making soap (and getting excited to maybe by some).

More valuable to finally *finally* find and use my voice. Not to craft a thesis about nothing of little value to anyone, but to learn myself and connect with other people.

Because I’m not really interested in finding some theory or method for creating ‘coalitions’ or manufacturing ‘solidarity.’

I just want to be human. And I want to fulfill my human need of knowing other people. Of being known. Of knowing myself. I want to laugh. I want to cry. I want joy. I want sorrow.

If anyone is wondering about why I’m here and what I’m doing. This is all.

Not studying anyone for a thesis. No research is being done. I’m not trying to educate myself (even if I happen to be learning so damn much from everyone). This isn’t my job. Not my career.

Just me. A little lonesome and trying to reach out/connect with other people.