i dream of being possible

it was tdor(tm) and i forgot

It was tdor(tm) this week and I forgot.

I probably wouldn’t even have remembered if not for the facilitator of the trans-only CBT group therapy I’m currently doing. Which, I guess, in its own way is maybe Ironic. Or maybe not.

It isn’t that I don’t care. I do.

Amusingly, when the facilitator mentioned that there was a tdor(tm) event happening, she mentioned that it was to remember all the trans ppl who died in the past year. Like. All of them. Even the ones who died from illness.

I laughed to myself and was incredulous.

This. This was the cis woman… the Nice White Lady(tm) who was running my trans therapy group. And its a trans therapy group because they were trying to recognize that some of our bad thoughts might result from real world shit.

Like how you can only see someone’s face twist with disgust at the sight of you before you start thinking that you’re disgusting.

In CBT ‘I’m disgusting’ is the type of self-talk you’re supposed to challenge. Its hard to challenge when you can watch movies and see ppl vomiting at the idea of kissing or fucking someone like you.


I wanted to tell her that at Trans Day of Rememberance(tm) only the people who died violently via whatever secret algorithm has been decided by Gwen Smith are remembered. Or wait. It isn’t a secret algorithm:

The names on the list are people who died because of anti-transgender violence. In the past some have contacted TDoR to ask that suicides or domestic violence victims be added to the list, but the list is specific to those who died from anti-transgender violence. tdor faq

Of course of course the next question is like ‘why not add these ppl’ and she’s like ‘add them if u want’ as if it were that easy or straightforward. From now until the end of time she’ll be remembered as the person who started tdor(tm). She’ll probably be remembered far longer than Rita Hester. Because white women make history by climbing the bodies of women of colour.

I wanted to tell her this. But I didn’t. I’m actually surprised I wrote the above paragraph or even this blog post at all.

I didn’t tell bc, as my increasingly redundant posts indicate, I’m fucking tired and burned out.

There’s literally like one thing that is stopping me from torching my entire online presence and disappearing entirely. (its biyuti publishing in case u don’t know – and yes i’m still doing shit for that)

I’m tired.

Tired of pouring out my feelings, ideas, and self only to be harassed and plagiarized. I’m also really tired of feeling watched all the time. I’m unbelievably tired of having to be so very careful about everything I write bc I know which topics = instant harassment and I just don’t feel like dealing with any of it.

In part because I’m not convinced I (at present) have anything to say that I haven’t already said.

This post is me bleating on about the same shit I’ve been writing about for years.

A person I recently cut out of my life pointed out that it looked as if I (and some others) was locked into some sort of stasis. Where I could only spin my wheels and rehash the same shit. (yeah this is one of the reason she was cut)

It was amazing to me because…. I have nothing new to say because nothing has changed. I’m still as oppressed as I ever was (ok maybe less bc my financial situation has improved – but this wasn’t bc of anything i did).

Nothing has changed.

I’m tired.