i dream of being possible

im getting depressed as hell thinking about my

I’m getting depressed as hell thinking about my previous dating life and the massive levels of self-hate I had.

And how terrible it was for my self-esteem to be using things like grindr, manhunt, okcupid, plentyoffish, etc.

Because in the city I used to live in (where I was for the largest portion of my dating life so far), we didn’t have a large Black population but had a very large Asian population, so in that region it was far, far more common to have people outright say “no Asians” than excluding any other specific race.

And. No one would talk to me. Except for white men who were often at least 20 years older than me and calling them ‘plain’ would be a compliment. I basically stopped messaging people myself after my 1000th rejection. And I always so pathetically grateful whenever anyone would talk to me.

One thing I regret most about this self hating phase was the fact that I didn’t really try hard to get with other Asians (although, many of them were also in the same place and chasing white cock like it was gold).

I really do think that one of the worst consequences about being self hating is not just how horrible it is for your sense of self, but how many opportunities you miss by chasing so hard after a group of people who basically want nothing to do with you (in my case, white men).

And for all of this… I do know how much easier I had it being mixed with light skin. Some of friends had even less opportunity for dating and love.