i dream of being possible

i feel like taking a moment to reflect on why i rarely talk about 'spoons'. in a lot of...

i feel like taking a moment to reflect on why i rarely talk about ‘spoons”. in a lot of ways, i think it has mostly to do with internalized ableism.

i mean. i do like how its become a shorthand way to describe the experience of needing to carefully monitor your activities in order to ensure that you have enough energy/motivation/whatever to take care of necessary things. as well as the… unpredictable nature of this (ie, not actually being able to predict how many spoons you”ll have at some unknown future point).

and, like, reading about the spoon theory and seeing how ppl use it is actually what allowed me to realize that i”ve been unconsciously accommodating myself via spoon management for ever since i had a psychotic break in my second semester of university.

i used to frame this as trying to have a ‘balanced” life, despite the fact that the only reason i got through school was by having a massively imbalanced life. by ‘balance” i actually meant balancing my job and school so that i didn”t have another breakdown. but things like self-care and socializing…. were not my top priorities. especially the socializing.

(ok. so… partway through writing this my bf woke up and called me into the bed for cuddling. and now i can”t really remember what point i was trying to make. so… while could just not post this, that”s clearly not what is happening, lol.)y