i dream of being possible

an fyi on my personal politics

Strangely enough I rarely talk about my personal politics. In part because I love the exploratory nature of tumblr. 

But that ask about Riley earlier sort of touched something that I occasionally worry about. 

I rarely (almost never) talk about my personal experiences of growing up in an abusive and neglectful ‘home.’ 

I learned early on that anger was a pretty futile emotion. Being angry didn’t change my situation. It didn’t make anything stop, people pay attention, or make things better. Plus, I’ve just never really been the kind to get super angry about stuff. I just sort of get hurt…

Anyway. My (white) mom ended up putting me in anger management when I was a teen. Even though by that point I had entirely stopped being able to feel or get angry about anything. Still… given that my mom is a race chaser (thus fetishizes poc and is racist) she figured that my poc rage was terrifying enough to stick me in anger management. Where I quickly learned that simply being angry was a frightening and dangerous thing (the only other people in this youth class were there mandated by the court. Yeah. 

I’m only now learning the value of anger. And starting to let myself feel it again. This is also why I have a deep appreciation for those who rage. I need *more* anger in my life, not less. 

And even though it is hard for me to find my anger and I rarely rage at people… 

I really encourage people remember that those of us who are less angry or express ourselves in ways more socially acceptable (or however you want to frame it), are not necessarily more moderate or mild. 

This post has taken a somewhat winding path to my politics but… 

I rarely come out advocating in any particular movement. I don’t really believe in any of them. What I want is decolonization. This is a process, not an end goal imo. I’ve elsewhere said that I’m not sure where we need to end up. I do believe that I have too much internalized shit to really see it clearly. But. Decolonization. Because even though I don’t know what is needed or how to get there, only good can come of dismantling everything built by colonialism. It is a start. 

And I doubt decolonization will happen peacefully. I may not be much of a fighter… but if shit starts going down, I’ll clean blood off of knives. I’ll cook food for the people fighting. I’ll carry water. I’ll fucking be there and I’ll be playing my role. 

Seriously. I want everything built by colonialism utterly destroyed. I want it in ruins. I want to pee in its ashes. 

So. Just remember. 

Some of us have had our anger stolen. But that doesn’t mean we are moderate. It also doesn’t make me ‘better’ than those who can access and express their anger. I’ll resent the hell out of anyone who glorifies a by-product of my abusive upbringing.