its trans awareness week or some junk. tdor is also in five days.

this may (or may not) be the only thing i write about this, this year.

i”m not doing tdor this year (or possibly any future year). i made a feast for the dead on all saints day. a day that means something to me, something more than a day created and owned by a white trans woman.

why?

i”m already tired and exhausted of having to do the same tdor shit every year. tired of having to point out that its twoc dying. tired of seeing white trans mascs or white trans women ‘leading” the events. tired of the people who say that we shouldn”t mourn but celebrate. tired of the ppl who say we shouldn”t celebrate but mourn. tired of most not caring the other 364 days of the year. tired of feeling like i need to ‘perform” grief, rage, sadness, whatever in a specific way. tired of realizing and screaming that tdor is too narrow in focus. tired of pretending like there is a community. tired of holding my breath for every 20th of november to see whether or not this is the year i mourn a friend. tired of trying to get ppl to acknowledge that tdor itself is an act violence and erasure.

t i r e d

this year i walked away from an imaginary community. which, yeah, means that i”m done. done. done.

was recently asked what i”ve ever ‘done” for anyone. as if i only have value to teh ~community~ if i”m useful. as if public performances of my labour and caring are what matter.

from now on, i do nothing.

(what i do is hidden and invsible)

who and how i mourn is personal.

(my grief and my pain are not a theatre)

my value to the community is zero.

(i will not be a martyr)