that thing when you trigger the ever loving fuck out of yourself.

jesus fuck.

i don”t talk much about my agoraphobia. but. yeah. it is something i have and struggle with. it is really hard for me to go to new places or, well, even leave my apartment. being on anxiety meds has made it much much better. i don”t spend hours trying to convince myself that i actually need to buy food otherwise i”ll starve to death. and die.

i hate travelling.

i said i”d go to detroit this weekend for amc stuff….

but then found out that we”d be staying at ppl”s places….

and my brain is like

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

like. this is literally what i”ve done at conferences:

arrive. go to hotel room. stay until hotel room until need for food overpowers my fear of the outdoors. go back to hotel room. present my paper. go back to hotel room. leave.

i”m not sure i can actually bring myself to go travelling with the knowledge that i won”t be able to escape things. with a group of people i don”t know.

i need to stop saying i can do things that i probably really can”t.

like. i do know that i can force myself to go. but it feels like a step back when i”ve been trying really really hard to stop forcing myself to do things that make me wish i were dead.

i was also abused into this, idk, compulsive need to please and do things for other people. even when it hurts me.

i hate myself for putting me into this position.</p>