So now that my surgery is around ten days from now, I’m finally starting to have some feelings coalesce from the primordial ooze that is my Feelings Swamp. Even though getting misgendered all the time sucks, a recent event made me realize that as things stand, I can still easily do Boy Mode if I really want to look cis and feel safe(ish). With no make up and my regular clothes, I look like a d00d. With makeup and my regular clothes and my hair down, I’m femme enough to code woman some of the time. I like this fluidity. Bc, at the end of it all, I am bakla and being on a spectrum from gay man to trans woman is where I’m comfortable. Getting cyborg tits will change all of this.

Like. They’ll definitely be big enough to be noticed. And might actually get HUGE depending on how the whole hormones thing works out for me. Which is kind of a weird thought for me because I don’t want big tits (never have). Moreover, once I have them, boy mode isn’t something that’ll be easy for me to do (obviously still possible but not as easy as doing nothing, which is what I do now).

Its all weird for me because I do actually like my body the way that it is. And my ambivalence isn’t that I think I won’t like my body as much with tits, but that I’m not sure I’ll like it more. Which kind of seems like something that ought to matter if I’m spending thousands of dollars and going through major surgery.

At this point, I’m kind of doing this just because I can, rather than out of a deep desire to actually do it. The opportunity has presented itself and I’m taking it. Yes, tits are always something I’ve wanted, but this seems like a lot of effort and I’m lazy. Or rather: I read over the informed consent form and think to myself, “all this that can go wrong and you still don’t feel something more than ambivalence?”.

Like… if I need additional surgery or corrections for whatever reason, I’m not going to have the money for it. If I need it again in the future, I’m still not sure I’d have the money for it then either. As far as I know, not even private insurance in canada covers things like cosmetic surgery.

But then… I’ve been talking about becoming a busty superstar for quite a few years now. This is something I do want. And I know that I’ve put it out of my head because, really, I never actually thought it’d be possible. I’d had plans to maybe do this with a friend (although, we are still doing this within a few months of each other), but it was kind of a distant vague thing bc it was predicated on both of us managing to save up a lot of fucking money. And I can’t even buy my own food without the kindness of strangers (thanks to everyone who supports my writing!).

I don’t usually get annoyed with how my brain works because it does what it does and I don’t (or didn’t anyway) know any better. Except that now I do. Situations like now being alexythemic is super fucking frustrating. Because I have Feelings, but a near inability to idenfity and articulate them in any way that actually makes sense to my brain (much less anyone else). Writing this post is a way for me to try and process them all.

Perhaps part of my problem is that I know getting tits will increase my already hyper visibility. As it stands now, my presentation gets me looks of disgust from strangers and that kind of unwanted attention. I know, however, that tits will ensure that I start getting a certain kind of attention from men that I’m not really looking forward to (and before, I do already have experience with this so I know exactly what I’m dreading).

Because hypervisibility has been such a Thing in my life, I’ve always struggled with trying to disappear. People see me too much and so I try my hardest not to be seen. People seeing me, being visible, has never been a good thing in my life. Its dangerous. So doing something that will so clearly increase my visibility kind of runs counters to whatever survival instincts I still have.

(Sidenote: Now I’m wondering if I don’t actually have a touch of social phobia. I didn’t think I did, but if part of my issue with being out of my apartment is that I’m afraid people will see me, then this isn’t just agoraphobia. Or perhaps not agoraphobia at all – though I really don’t like wide open spaces. Hard to say really, I’ll have to think more on this.)

I guess part of my question is: should you go through major surgery when you’re this ambivalent about the whole thing?

Idk.