so i”ve been thinking about my sleeping issues some more and i”m not really sure why my brain has been all ‘getting a narcolepsy dx is more validating than sleep apnea” other than internalized ableism. i mean, both are chronic conditions. having an apnea dx is actually better since it means that there are treatment options vs options for managing stuff like with narcolepsy.

either (maybe even both, we”ll see in two weeks after my next appointment) explains a lot about how my life has been going for the past 15 or so years.

moreso with apnea ‘cause i looked up the impact of long term sleep deprivation (which is essentially what apnea causes) and it was like: 1. reduce executive functioning 2. reduced concentration 3. negative impact on mood and i was like… yes yes and yes!

i”ve been trying with the cpap machine and i can already tell that this will be a ‘no” apparently, while it is the most ‘effective” treatment, there is a lot of problems with patient non-compliance (which makes me question its effectiveness… ‘cause it only works if you use it. but a lot of ppl just give up on it. i know i am). partially because i don”t want to spend money on something that doesn”t look like it”ll be helping me all that much.

i”m thinking i might explore the surgical option which should be free (yay for one of the few good things about canada!). i mean. yeah.

but i guess it has kinda been messing with my brain when i think of my life. i mean. it does explain why i feel so tired all the fucking time. why i so often just feel like giving up on everything because i”m sooo tired. and it is like a bone deep sort of exhaustion sometimes.

and it can be so hard to think/concentrate. not only because if i do too much of it, i”ll start falling asleep but also because it is always there, in the background.

on this note, i mean, i guess i finally understand the whole spoon theory thing ‘cause i definitely feel like i”ve been managing spoons for a long time without realizing it. ‘cause i can usually only do so much in one day and i sort of have to plan my days and my time to ensure that i can get everything done.

idk.

yeah. i guess it is a good thing that i”m IDing as disabled these days.</p>